Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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