i barfeds in our rink
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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