yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
