Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
