It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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