Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
