she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Is it penis luge time yet?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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