she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
