His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
