I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
