It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
