Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
