oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Drake has all the answers
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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