I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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