so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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