im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
