Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
