So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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