the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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