i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
