I saw his package. It spoke to me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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