I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
