I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
