First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
