just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
