I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
