yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize