If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
