Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You pole danced in your parka.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
lol hangovers are for mortals.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
