Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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