girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
