the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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