I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
