I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
