I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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