Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
