Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
