my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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