went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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