I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
