Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
