Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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