I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
