I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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