Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize