Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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