so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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