At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
