this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
