god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
