you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
