I didn't shave. On purpose
I puked a lego.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
