i think my tv is drunk
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
