her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
