How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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