Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
