after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
