I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
